Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
