So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
