its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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