I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize