i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
