I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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