She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
