Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize