I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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