I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
