hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
