I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
