a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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