stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
