We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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