GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
