I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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