Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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