I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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