tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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