I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
