put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
