We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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