drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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