my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
