The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
