I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
