Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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