My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
