Will you blow on my dice?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
