he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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