I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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