Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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