I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
