I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
