how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
