He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
