So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
