A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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