I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
