I wish I could teleport
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
