these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
