i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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