fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
this is an emotional support booty call
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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