you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
