I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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