I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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