The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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