this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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