he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
