You're my little dorito
Be still, my beating vagina.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
