I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
