Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
