i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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